It Should Go, but It Won’t
“You see all of that fluid? That’s a leak from your transmission.”
“It should go, but it won’t.”
****
I had just turned off the interstate when there was a noticeable change in the internal atmosphere of my car. The engine grew significantly louder, which is what you would expect if you were trying to accelerate quickly. I was not trying to accelerate quickly. Instead, I tried to ease my car to the upcoming red light perched on a slight hill.
The effort the engine put in to move this compact sedan at 20 miles an hour did not make sense. I tried changing the way that I applied pressure to the pedal. At one point, I even pulled over and turned the car off and back on. (There’s nothing a good reset can’t fix, right?)
The car could reach a parking area only after being pushed up the final small hill and into a space. In the final attempts at forward momentum, it started to smoke ever-so-slightly. Unintended smoke is a great indicator to call it a day on that effort.
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At the time, I handled the situation with a poise and grace that I am proud of - I took the inconvenience in stride. I had even managed to turn off the worry about my car for a 10-mile run. As fortune would have it, I had already taken the day off from work, so I considered the inconvenience of not having a car as slightly more convenient given the timing. After the dust had settled, the words, “It should go, but it won’t,” continued to repeat in my mind. My car and I were on parallel paths - two objects that should seemingly go but won’t.
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Sometime in late 2022, I had settled on the idea that my next chapter would involve additional education. Throughout 2023, I spent time preparing for and applying to programs. Teetering between nervousness and excitement, I was sure the road I was heading down would be an exciting adventure. I applied to three different programs with confidence in both my intentions and my odds. It was in mid-March of 2024 that I received the first rejection letter. The following week, I received a second rejection letter. One day later, I received my final rejection letter for the application season. I had known the process would be competitive. However, I also believed that I was a competitive candidate. In my mind, all the parts were there, working as needed.
It should go, but it won’t.
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When you are expecting something to go, but it doesn’t, you suddenly find yourself with a lot of extra time on your hands. I pondered. I sulked. I cried. Of all the places that I could be, I found myself… here. My literal and metaphorical vehicles to get to what was “next” were not in operation.
Here isn’t a bad spot to be in, unless you dreamed of yourself over there.
****
In the aftermath of both events, the extra time allowed me to experience something new: relying on the kindness of strangers. With my car, Tina, Ryan, Josh, and Eddie (to name a few) were incredibly gracious in helping me navigate the process. With the applications, all the programs had individuals willing to meet with me and provide honest, encouraging feedback.
Even though the things were not going, there were plenty of people helping to tend to what was broken.
****
The transmission has been replaced, though, as everyone says, the car just doesn’t drive the same. Not to be too cliche, but since those rejection letters, I’ve also felt a difference in my drive. There are days when I feel so unwanted - awash with rejection. Still, in one of the most difficult seasons of my life, I was fortunate enough to break down with some kind and caring people. When so much felt like it was going wrong, there were people to remind me that it would be alright.
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I’d just like to amend the prescription that the mechanic gave to me:
“It should go, but it won’t right now. It will go again, soon.”